Forgiveness
I'm reading the latest Ode Magazine, and there's an article about Aqeela Sherrills, a man who has been working to eradicate gang violence in Los Angeles and other U.S. cities for sixteen years. You can read the article online: "Peace is not a field of flowers. It's hard work." In 2004, Sherrills faced the ultimate test of his beliefs. His eldest son was shot and killed while visiting his father in Los Angeles. "Sherrills said he had no choice but to choose love over revenge. . . 'You can only conquer hate with love.'"
I was thinking about this in regard to my previous post about bullies. I suppose the best course of action is to talk with a bully and attempt to bring them back into the fold -- back into society. Find out what is causing their pain, and why they feel a need to inflict pain on others. I'm not sure I'm up for that task. I would rather avoid bullies whenever possible. Unfortunately they're not always possible to avoid, and I often don't recognize them right away. They come in many different disguises.
If you're not familiar with Ode Magazine, take a look. It's published monthly in the Netherlands, and they have a wealth of really terrific articles.
I was thinking about this in regard to my previous post about bullies. I suppose the best course of action is to talk with a bully and attempt to bring them back into the fold -- back into society. Find out what is causing their pain, and why they feel a need to inflict pain on others. I'm not sure I'm up for that task. I would rather avoid bullies whenever possible. Unfortunately they're not always possible to avoid, and I often don't recognize them right away. They come in many different disguises.
If you're not familiar with Ode Magazine, take a look. It's published monthly in the Netherlands, and they have a wealth of really terrific articles.
posted by Cassandra at 1:02 PM
3 Comments:
Bullies are a big part of my childhood/school years, and still today, too. Back then, I was pretty small for my age, and rather a sitting duck for some of the bullies. The worst was when they'd take my glasses away from me and hold them where I couldn't reach. This just made me so mad, it's hard to describe even today.
I'd get so amped-up on "fight" hormones that I'd lash-out and get violent...kicking, biting, whatever.
All the principal needed to know was that the bully was twice my size and that I didn't "start" the fight, so it didn't matter that my shoe-print remained on the guy's leg! I'd NEVER apologize to the bully, even if requested by the principal, reminding all involved that I would strike harder if provoked again, and would never give up the right to defend myself from a poorly run school environment. My father would come to these meetings with the principal, and would point out that I did indeed have a legal right to defend myself against a bully, and that he would have to support me as such. Dad's a lawyer and knew what he was talking about.
Fast forward to "these days" and I still have that nearly out of control and violent reaction to conflicts with other people.
Unlike you, I am willing to easily set aside my fear of confrontation in the face of such anger. A neighbor kept moving my concrete parking-limit-barrier thinking she was going to direct where I should park. I would have NONE of that, and after a few of these incidents, I bought a sledge-hammer, painted her name on the parking barrier stone, and smashed it to bits in front of her, shards of concrete flying all over the place. Hammer over my head, you'd think I was channeling a railroad worker competing against the steam-drill!
The neighbor is pretty much afraid of me, and I can't say I'm really unhappy at this. My show of force taught that neighbor not to mess with me.
If there IS a problem, it's that this type of violence works really well for me. I get what results I want -- to be left alone by the bullies.
Is this what the Buddha would do? Or the teacher, Jesus? Not from what I've read.
I can't really see Jesus smashing a parking barrier to bits to prove a point. Nor the Buddha.
You said that you want the bullies to leave you alone, and you seem to go to extremes to make sure that they do. You also said that you're not afraid of confrontation. But think about this . . . you destroyed the parking barrier to end (avoid?) the confrontation with your neighbor. You used excessive force to scare her off. So there is something there that you're afraid of. What might it be? ;-)
A show of force is not to avoid confrontation. It's to win it, to have it my way. I still park where I agreed I would with the landlord as specified in my lease, not where some nosy neighbor thinks it would be nicer for her.
Some of the shards and clumps of concrete that got flung under the pressure of the hammer flew into her flowers. She works hard on those. I remember when the rocks were flying how much work this would create for her. She has by now removed all the stray concrete bits. A few dozen extra reminders of what happens if she tries anything with me.
But here's the thing - she doesn't mess with me anymore. She sure as Hell doesn't try to tell me what to do. She never had the right in the first place.
I didn't start with the sledgehammer. It took months of her moving the barrier again and again, blocking me from parking my car when I arrived home, before I had to take action. How many more times should I have moved that heavy barrier back to position so I could use my parking space??
I kept the sledgehammer, in case I need it again. In case I don't become enough like the Buddha by the next time...
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